LAUGH STOP

[liza81]

Howzit Hillas. Dis goed om jou weer hier te sien!
Bly jy het die Guide to SA slang geniet.

So waar is Dunoon? Is dit aan die wes/oos kus? ek was vir presies een dag in Glasgow, en daar het afrikanertjies by my verby geloop, dit was ook so snaaks, want die klein bietjie van die gesprek was ek gehoor het was iets soos "en ek het nou niks geld oor nie" "aai, foeitog man"
Ha-ha!! Armgat SAffies.

[konsalik]

Ja, so lag ons almal ons tietspiere pap, of jy nou tiete het of nie.

Gehoor hoe vervang die RYK blondine 'n gloeilamp?

"Pa, koop vir my 'n nuwe woonstel asseblief."

[liza81]

hee-hee,goeie een.

A Texan rancher comes to Ireland and meets a Kerry farmer.
The Texan says : "Takes me a whole goddam day to drive from one side of my ranch to the other."
The Kerry farmer says:"Ah sure, I know, sir. We have tractors like that over here too."


Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and travelled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields. Murphy said, "Where are we now?" The guide said, "We're in the great state of Texas." "It's a big place," said Murphy. The guide said, "It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it." And Murphy said, "Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for Texas!"

[Odin19]

The Inexperience of A Texan Chilli Taster ...

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the EastCoast:

Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be
a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are
crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I
am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to
walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like0
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the
front part of my chest. I’m getting ****-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.
Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb.
***** is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I’m eating.

Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable
kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four
people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended
when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really
pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. **** those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Goodbalanceof spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,onions,and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No
one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe
my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a ****ing grenade in my mouth, pull the ****in pin,and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my ****ing mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my burning shirt.
At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. **** it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway.If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the ****ing 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Mount St. Helen’s Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili,neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make. Poor Frank.
FRANK: --------------(editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

[konsalik]

One morning at about 02:00 the woman wakes to find that her husband is not in the bed with her. She got up to look for him and finds him in the lounge, sitting with his hands in his hair crying like a baby.

She walks up to him and asks him what is wrong.

"Do you remember that day shortly after your 16th birthday when your farther caught us on the back seat of my car?"

"Yes darling I do."

"And do you remember that he pushed his shot gun into the back of my neck?"

"Yes darling I do."

"And do you remember that he then told me that either I marry you or that he would make sure I go to prison for 20 years?"

"Yes darling I do."

"Well, (crying even more) I would have been released from prison today."






Proud to be South African

[konsalik]

THE TRIBAL WISDOM OF THE DAKOTA INDIANS

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in government, education, and in corporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

01. Buying a stronger whip.

02. Changing riders.

03. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

04. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride horses.

05. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

06. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

07. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

08. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

09. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially therefore to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And of course my favorite...........

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

[Hillas]

Hi Liza, en ander!
Dunoon is aan die weskus van Skotland. So 2 ure van Glasgow. Piepklein plekke. 'n Regte one-horse town...en hy't gevrek.
So...konsalik...van waar is jy?