LAUGH STOP

[liza81]

CALLING IT A DAY

God: "Whew, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on earth."

Angel: "Oh yeah? What are you going to do now?"

God: "I think I'll call it a day."



PUN WITH MONKS

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had.

After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs.

She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."

"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?"

"Yes, I'm the chip monk."



GEETING INTO HEAVEN

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her. "Hello!" "How are you? We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you!"

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."

The woman correctly spelled love, and Saint Peter welcomed her into heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

[Salidumay]

Wow i looks like funny hayoooooooo!!!! nice joke LIZA. are a funny lady?

[liza81]

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a World Bank economist are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

'Look at their reserve, their calm,' muses the Englishman. 'They must be English!'

'Nonsense,' says the Frenchman. 'They are both naked and beautiful. They must be French!'

'You are both wrong,' says the World Bank economist. 'They have no clothes and no shelter. They have only an apple to eat and they're being told they're in Paradise.

Clearly, they are South Africans!'

[Knopkirie-Knickers]

Hello Liza!
Your page had me laughing so hard that I managed only to read the first half! I’ll have a go at the rest of them after lunch. Meanwhile ……….

* Piet and Maureen, from Mafeking, were having another row. This time it was serious. Piet started packing his bag. “Where do you think you’re going?” asks Maureen. “I’m off to Australia”, says he. “And what do you think you’re going to do there?” Maureen asks. “I’m going to become a male prostitute where they make 1,000 Rand for their services!”

About 10 minutes later Maureen begins packing her bag too. “And just where do you think you’re going?” He asks her. “I’m off to Australia too!” she replies. “And what the hell do you expect to do in Australia?”, Piet asks. “I’ve just got to see how you’re going to survive on 2,000 Rand per month!”


* And here, unfortunately, is a true story. No joke:
Some years ago I met an American in Europe. He was …. ah …… non-white. During a talk with him he mentioned something about Nelson Mandela being the president of Africa. I said “Don’t you mean the president of South Africa?” He replied “Isn’t it the same thing?”

Of course, I had to find out what he meant by that and after asking him a few more questions I came to realize that he thought that “South Africa” merely meant that Africa is geographically in the “South”! He had no idea that South Africa is a country to its’ own. What’s worse is that he actually argued with me on the subject!

Hmmmmm. There are a few parallels to be drawn with some of the present “inhabitants” hereabouts.


Ps. If you must shorten my name, Liza, I prefer you shorten it at the suffix, not the prefix!

[Woestynryer]

Haha! Yes,it's one thing being ignorant, but as soon as you defend your ignorance,based on misconceptions,it turns into stupidity.

Also a true story....

I stayed in a US town for a few days in 1998 and a young high school girl wanted to know where I come from.I told her 'South Africa',the most Southern area of the African continent.

Next day she came back and said she looked all over the map but could not find it.I said: 'did you look waaayyyy down,at the tip?'

She she yes.'But the only country I could see was Chili and Brazil......'

[Knopkirie-Knickers]

Originally posted by Woestynryer
Yes,it's one thing being ignorant, but as soon as you defend your ignorance, based on misconceptions, it turns into stupidity.

So true, so true!

Your story on South America reminds me of 2 more true stories:
Some years ago there was an earthquake in Ecuador. On the local news (here in Europe) the news reporter made the announcement and behind her was a black silhouette of the continent with a red arrow pointing to where Ecuador ought to be. The problem was that it was a silhouette of Africa with an arrow pointing to approximately where Gambia is!


In the early days of “text TV” we used to have “ring-in” quizzes. One day there was a quiz where one of the questions was:

Where would one find the city of Johannesburg?
A). In South-East Asia
B). In North Siberia
C). In South America

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I swear it is true!


Wait a minute! Wait a minute, I know the answer to this one!!!

[liza81]

hey guys!

Glad you're getting a kick out of the jokies Knopkierie (note about nameshortening noted )

ja, swaer, It astounds me how clueless Americans can be about geography - and actual conversation I had:

US: so where you from?
me: South-Africa
US: oh, which country in South-Africa?
me: the country South-Africa

month or so later:

different US: so where are you from?
me: South-Africa
US: really! Which country in South-Africa?
me: ( can this really be happening twice??) the one on the left!
US: aah, so I guess you speak Swahili
me: oh, sure - and I guess you speak Cherokee

Different US
US: where did you say you were from again?
me: South-Africa
US: and where exactly is that?
me: SOOOUUUTTTHHH-AAFFFRRIIICCCAAA, is a self-explanitory name, man!!

US: you're from South-Africa, but you're not black!
me: naah, I'm just a bit pale today, ate some bad chicken or something

I could go on and on, but I wont. Ofcourse all Americans aren't like this. Most of them have a fair idea of where the country is, and have at least hear of Nelson Mandela. I always delight in educating them with tidbits like: Charlize Theron is South-African. JRR Tolkien was born there, so was Dave Matthews ect.

add some jokes if you find them!