LAUGH STOP

[liza81]

It seems this forum needs a bit of comic relief Please feel free to add jokes.



These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.
Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres take lots of water...

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa?(USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[liza81]

President Mugabe is visiting a primary school and he goes to one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the president if he would liketo lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".
So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a war vet comes along and knocks him dead with a log, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says Mugabe, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not" explains the president. That's what we would call a great loss.

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Mugabe searches the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy??."
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand.
In a quiet voice he says: "If an Zimbabwean Air Force jet, carrying Mr. & Mrs.Mugabe was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic," exclaims Mugabe that's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy??.
"Well" says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."

[liza81]

ARGUMENT

Grandpa and Grandma were sitting a the table.
Grandma gets up suddenly, rolls up her newspaper
and proceeds to slap Grandpa upside the head.
He says, "What was that for?"

Grandma says, "That's for 40 years of bad sex."

Grandpa sits there muttering, rolls up his
newspaper, and goes over and slaps Grandma
upside the head.

She says, "Now what's that for?"

He says, "That's for knowing the difference
__________________

Puzzle
There was a bartender working at a bar one night. In walked a group of blondes chanting "44 days! 44 days!" One of the blondes was carrying a picture puzzle of Cookie Monster in a frame. The bartender leaned towards the blonde holding the puzzle and asked, "Why do you keep chanting '44 days'?"

She proudly set the puzzle on the counter and said, "Well, a lot of people think blondes are dumb, so to just show them we're not, we bought this puzzle and put it together. It said 1-3 months but we completed it in 44 days!"'

[liza81]

Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo the keeper finds 2 finches that have dropped dead from old age.

In the monkeys cage he finds 2 chimps have also kicked the bucket. Waste not want not so he puts them in a sack with the finches and later tips them in the lions cage at feeding time.

"Bloody hell" roars the lion. "Not finch and chimps again.

[liza81]

...Did you hear about the transvestite who was desperate for a night out on the town?
Apparently he wanted to eat, drink and be Mary...

[liza81]

Why are they putting petty racists at the bottom of the ocean?


They found out that deep down, they’re really not so bad.

[liza81]

John and Marie went to the same Baptist church. Marie went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. John went on Christmas and Easter and, once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays.

On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Marie and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, John leaned forward and said, "Hey, Marie, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday?"

"Why Yes, John, that would be nice," said Marie.

Well, John couldn't believe his luck. All weeklong he polished up his car, and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner, the finest restaurant in Raleigh. When they sat down, John looked over at Marie said, "Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, John was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.

"Hey, Marie," said John, "Would you like a smoke?"

"Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his car and was driving Marie home when they passed the Holiday Inn. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.

"Hey, Marie," said John, "how would you like to stop at this motel with me?"

"Sure, John, that would be nice," said Marie.

Well, John couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in with Marie. The next morning John got up first. He looked at Marie lying there in the bed. "What have I done? What have I done?" thought John.

He shook Marie and she woke up. "Marie, I've got to ask you one thing, said John. "What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

Marie said, "The same thing I always tell them..............

You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."