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  • LAUGH STOP

    It seems this forum needs a bit of comic relief Please feel free to add jokes.



    These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.
    Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
    A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

    Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
    A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

    Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
    A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres take lots of water...

    Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
    A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

    Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)
    A: What did your last slave die of?

    Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA)
    A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

    Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
    A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

    Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
    A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

    Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

    Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
    A: No, WE don't stink.

    Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa?(USA)
    A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

    Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
    A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

    Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
    A: Only at Christmas.

    Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
    A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

    Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
    A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

    Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. USA)
    A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

    Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
    A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

    Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
    A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.


  • #2
    President Mugabe is visiting a primary school and he goes to one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the president if he would liketo lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".
    So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".
    One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a war vet comes along and knocks him dead with a log, that would be a tragedy."
    "No," says Mugabe, "that would be an accident."
    A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
    "I'm afraid not" explains the president. That's what we would call a great loss.

    The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Mugabe searches the room.
    "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy??."
    Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand.
    In a quiet voice he says: "If an Zimbabwean Air Force jet, carrying Mr. & Mrs.Mugabe was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
    "Fantastic," exclaims Mugabe that's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy??.
    "Well" says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."

    Comment


    • #3


      ARGUMENT

      Grandpa and Grandma were sitting a the table.
      Grandma gets up suddenly, rolls up her newspaper
      and proceeds to slap Grandpa upside the head.
      He says, "What was that for?"

      Grandma says, "That's for 40 years of bad sex."

      Grandpa sits there muttering, rolls up his
      newspaper, and goes over and slaps Grandma
      upside the head.

      She says, "Now what's that for?"

      He says, "That's for knowing the difference
      __________________

      Puzzle
      There was a bartender working at a bar one night. In walked a group of blondes chanting "44 days! 44 days!" One of the blondes was carrying a picture puzzle of Cookie Monster in a frame. The bartender leaned towards the blonde holding the puzzle and asked, "Why do you keep chanting '44 days'?"

      She proudly set the puzzle on the counter and said, "Well, a lot of people think blondes are dumb, so to just show them we're not, we bought this puzzle and put it together. It said 1-3 months but we completed it in 44 days!"'


      Comment


      • #4
        Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo the keeper finds 2 finches that have dropped dead from old age.

        In the monkeys cage he finds 2 chimps have also kicked the bucket. Waste not want not so he puts them in a sack with the finches and later tips them in the lions cage at feeding time.

        "Bloody hell" roars the lion. "Not finch and chimps again.

        Comment


        • #5
          ...Did you hear about the transvestite who was desperate for a night out on the town?
          Apparently he wanted to eat, drink and be Mary...

          Comment


          • #6
            Why are they putting petty racists at the bottom of the ocean?


            They found out that deep down, they’re really not so bad.

            Comment


            • #7
              WHAT YOU TELL YOUR SUNDAY SCHOOL CLASS



              John and Marie went to the same Baptist church. Marie went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. John went on Christmas and Easter and, once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays.

              On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Marie and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, John leaned forward and said, "Hey, Marie, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday?"

              "Why Yes, John, that would be nice," said Marie.

              Well, John couldn't believe his luck. All weeklong he polished up his car, and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner, the finest restaurant in Raleigh. When they sat down, John looked over at Marie said, "Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner?"

              "Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"

              Well, John was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.

              "Hey, Marie," said John, "Would you like a smoke?"

              "Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"

              Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his car and was driving Marie home when they passed the Holiday Inn. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.

              "Hey, Marie," said John, "how would you like to stop at this motel with me?"

              "Sure, John, that would be nice," said Marie.

              Well, John couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in with Marie. The next morning John got up first. He looked at Marie lying there in the bed. "What have I done? What have I done?" thought John.

              He shook Marie and she woke up. "Marie, I've got to ask you one thing, said John. "What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

              Marie said, "The same thing I always tell them..............

              You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."

              Comment


              • #8

                Comment


                • #9
                  An African dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.
                  He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
                  Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
                  The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
                  Then he comes to the African hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in.
                  Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"
                  He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the African devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
                  "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"
                  "Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former goverment servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen..."

                  Comment


                  • #10

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Woman

                      From 13 to 18 years of age she is like Africa
                      — Virgin and unexplored.

                      From 19 to 35 she is like Asia
                      — Hot and exotic.

                      From 36 to 45 she is like the USA
                      — Fully explored and free with her resources.

                      From 46 to 55 she is like Europe
                      — Exhausted but still has her points of interest.

                      From 56 on she is like Australia
                      — Everybody knows it's down there, but nobody gives a damn!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
                        After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

                        He said,
                        "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

                        On the way home, the husband asked his wife.
                        "What did the doctor say?"

                        "You're going to die," she replied.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          A small redneck Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very "in the mood", and difficult to handle.
                          Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
                          While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.
                          So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
                          The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
                          "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."
                          The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
                          "Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.


                          From Africa Jokes site: Oops, this actually happend but its has to be a joke
                          THE FOLLOWING is a speech made by former South African President P.W. Botha to his Cabinet.
                          This reprint was written by David G. Mailu for the Sunday Times, a South African newspaper, dated August 18, 1985.
                          A few words of type that were illegible have been deleted and a few sentences may not seem clear; this apparently is due to the translation, however, the thrust remains.
                          It was reprinted in "The Black American" three weeks ago.
                          Courtesy of Outreach--Friday September 25, 1987
                          ***
                          Pretoria has been made by the White mind for the White man. We are not obliged even the least to try to prove to anybody and to the Blacks that we are superior people. We have demonstrated that to the Blacks in a thousand and one ways. The Republic of South Africa that we know of today has not been created by wishful thinking. We have created it at the expense of intelligence, sweat and blood. Were they Afrikaaners who tried to eliminate the Australian Aborigines? Are they Afrikaaners who discriminate against Blacks and call them ******s in the States? Were they Afrikaaners who started the slave trade? Where is the Black man appreciated?
                          England discriminates against its Black and their "Sus" law is out to discipline the Blacks. Canada, France, Russia, and Japan all play their discrimination too. Why in the hell then is so much noise made about us? Why are they biased against us?
                          I am simply trying to prove to you all that there is nothing unusual we are doing that the so called civilized worlds are not doing. We are simply an honest people who have come out aloud with a clear philosophy of how we want to live our own White life. We do not pretend like other Whites that we like Blacks.
                          The fact that, Blacks look like human beings and act like human beings do not necessarily make them sensible human beings.

                          (sounds like the whites who post here)

                          Hedgehogs are not porcupines and lizards are not crocodiles simply because they look alike. If God wanted us to be equal to the Blacks, he would have created us all of a uniform colour and intellect. But he created us differently: Whites, Blacks, Yellow, Rulers and the ruled.
                          Intellectually, we are superior to the Blacks; that has been proven beyond any reasonable doubt over the years.

                          (sounds like the whites who post here)

                          I believe that the Afrikaan is an honest, God fearing person, who has demonstrated practically the right way of being. Nevertheless, it is comforting to know that behind the scenes, Europe, America, Canada, Australia--and all others are behind us in spite of what they say. For diplomatic relations, we all know what language should be used and where.
                          To prove my point, Comrades, does anyone of you know a White country without an investment or interest in South Africa? Who buys our gold? Who buys our diamonds? Who trades with us? Who is helping us develop the nuclear weapon? The very truth is that we are their people and they are our people. It's a big secret. The strength of our economy is backed by America, Britain, Germany. It is our strong conviction, therefore, that the Black is the raw material for the White man.
                          So Brothers and Sisters, let us join hands together to fight against this Black devil. I appeal to all Afrikaaners to come out with any creative means of fighting this war. Surely God cannot forsake his own people whom we are. By now everyone of us has seen it practically that the Blacks cannot rule themselves. Give them guns and they will kill each other. They are good in nothing else but making noise, dancing, marrying many wives and indulging in sex. Let us all accept that the Black man is the symbol of poverty, mental inferiority, laziness and emotional competence. Isn't it plausible therefore that the White man is created to rule the Black man? Come to think of what would happen one day if you woke up and on the throne sat a Kaffir! Can you imagine what would happen to our women? Does anyone of you believe that the Blacks can rule this country?
                          Hence, we have good reasons to let them all--the Mandelas--rot in prison, and I think we should be commended for having kept them alive in spite of what we have at hand with which to finish them off.
                          I wish to announce a number of new strategies that should be put to use to destroy this Black bug. We should now make use of the chemical weapon.
                          Priority number one, we should not by all means allow any more increases of the Black population lest we be choked very soon. I have exciting news that our scientists have come up with an efficient stuff. I am sending out more researchers to the field to identify as many venues as possible where the chemical weapons could be employed to combat any further population increases. The hospital is a very strategic opening, for example and should be fully utilized. The food supply channel should be used. We have developed excellent slow killing poisons and fertility destroyers. Our only fear is in case such stuff came into their hands as they are bound to start using it against us if you care to think of the many Blacks working for us in our domestic quarters. However, we are doing the best we can to make sure that the stuff remains strictly in our hands.
                          Secondly, most Blacks are vulnerable to money inducements. I have set aside a special fund to exploit this venue. The old trick of divide and rule is still very valid today. Our experts should work day and night to set the Black man against his fellowman. His inferior sense of morals can be exploited beautifully. And here is a creature that lacks foresight. There i a need for us to combat him in long term projections that he cannot suspect.
                          The average Black does not plan his life beyond a year: that stance, for example, should be exploited. My special department is already working round the clock to come out with a long term operation blueprint.
                          I am also sending a special request to all Afrikaaner mothers to double their birth rate. It may be necessary too to set up a population boom industry by putting up centres where we employ and support fully White young men and women to produce children for the nation. We are also investigating the merit of uterus rentals as a possible means of speeding up the growth of our population through surrogate mothers. For the time being, we should also engage a higher gear to make sure that Black men are separated from their women and fines imposed upon married wives who bear illegitimate children.
                          I have a committee working on finding better methods of inciting Blacks against each other and encouraging murders among themselves. Murder cases among Blacks should bear very little punishment in order to encourage them. My scientists have come up with a drug that could be smuggled into their brews to effect slow poisoning results and fertility destruction. Working through drinks and manufacturing of soft drinks geared to the Blacks, could promote the channels of reducing their population. Ours is not a war that we can use the atomic bomb to destroy the Blacks, so we must use our intelligence to effect this. The person-to-person encounter can be very effective. As the records show that the Black man is dying to go to bed with the White woman, here is our unique opportunity.
                          Our Sex Mercenary Squad should go out and camouflage with Apartheid Fighters while doing their operations quietly administering slow killing poison and fertility destroyers to those Blacks they thus befriend. We are modifying the Sex Mercenary Squad by introducing White men who should go for the militant Black woman and any other vulnerable Black woman. We have received a new supply of prostitutes from Europe and America who are desperate and too keen to take up the appointments.
                          Money can do anything for you. So while we have it, we should make the best use of it. In the meantime my beloved White citizens, do not take to heart what the world says, and don't be ashamed of being called racists. I don't mind being called the architect and King of Apartheid. I shall not become a monkey simply because someone has called me a monkey. I will still remain your bright star...His Excellency Botha.
                          My latest appeal is that the maternity hospital operations should be intensified. We are not paying those people to help bring Black babies to this world but to eliminate them on the very delivery moment. If this department worked very efficiently, a great deal could be achieved. My Government has set aside a special fund for erecting more covert hospitals and clinics to promote this programme.

                          The punch line is there are no racist white people in SA and that Mugabe is the problem.

                          (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH)WHEW!!!

                          How many white racists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
                          None -- they don't want to be enlightened!


                          Comment


                          • #14
                            hey deebee

                            Your redneck joke was hilarious!
                            Sadly PW speech is probably true (I've never heard of it before, but really don't doubt it for a minute)

                            Keep the jokes coming!!

                            You Might Be a Redneck

                            If the UFO hotline ever limited you to one call per day, you might be a redneck. If you've ever worn a tube top to a funeral home, you might be a redneck. If you work without a shirt on and so does your husband, you might be a redneck. If your 2-year-old has more teeth than you do, you might be a redneck. If the last time you lit a match in your bathroom you blew your house right off its wheels, you might be a redneck. If you think taking your wife for a cruise means driving your pickup truck around the Dairy Queen, you might be a redneck. If you think a 401K is your mother-in-law's bra size, you might be a redneck. If you've ever been accused of lying through your tooth, you might be a redneck.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Hi Lisa!

                              You really are OK girl!

                              Keep on laughing Gazie!

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