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  • Engineers...

    To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

    ----

    A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Here comes the greens keeper, lets have a word with him."

    "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

    The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

    The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

    The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

    The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

    ----

    An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

    The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

    The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

    The engineer said, "I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend - but a talking frog, now that's cool."

    ----

    Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

    "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" one of the lawyers asks.

    "Watch and you'll see," one of the engineers replies.

    All six men board the train. The three lawyers sit together, but the three engineers cram themselves into a restroom and close the door behind them. A short time later, the conductor comes around to collect tickets.

    "Ticket, please," he says as he knocks on the restroom door. The door opens just a crack and an arm emerges with ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers, who observed the scene, all agree it was a clever idea.

    On their way home after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers to save money. When they get to the train station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

    "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" one of the lawyers asks.

    "Watch and you'll see," one of the engineers says.

    When they board the train, the three lawyers cram themselves into a restroom, while the three engineers cram into another restroom nearby. Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves their restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

    ----

    A man drifting in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. Reducing altitude, he spotted a guy on the ground and descended to shouting range. "Excuse me, sir," he shouted. "Can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him a half hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

    The man below responded: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 25 feet above this field, between 49 and 52 degrees North Latitude, and 79 and 81 degrees West Longitude."

    "You must be an engineer," responded the balloonist.

    "I am," said the man. "How did you know?"

    "Well," said the balloonist, "everything you've told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost."

    Whereupon the man on the ground responded, "You must be a manager."

    "That I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

    "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You've made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you're in the exact same position you were before we met, but now it's somehow my fault!"

    Comment


    • More funnies...

      On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students to point out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be off limits for all male students, and the male dormitory to female students. Anybody caught breaking these rules will be fined $40 the first time, $90 the second time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the third time will be fined a hefty $200. Are there any questions?" At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, " How much for a season pass?"

      ----

      Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Ft. Lauderdale for a two-week period helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish."

      The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

      The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

      Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

      "I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

      ----

      Beware!

      You have just received the Amish virus. Since we have no electricity or computers, you are on the honor system.

      Please delete all of your files on your hard drive. Then forward this message to everyone in your address book.

      Thank thee.

      ----

      The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

      Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

      Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

      First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

      As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

      Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

      1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

      2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

      So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

      The student received the only "A" given.

      Comment


      • Beware!

        You have just received the Amish virus. Since we have no electricity or computers, you are on the honor system.

        Please delete all of your files on your hard drive. Then forward this message to everyone in your address book.

        Thank thee.


        Welcome to the board, and thanks for reviving this thread. It's a good one!

        Comment


        • While an old lady is polishing an antique lamp, a genie appears and gives her three wishes. She asks to be young, rich and for her cat to turn into a handsome prince.

          Her wishes granted, the prince takes the lady into his arms. As long-forgotten feelings stir, the prince whispers to her, "Now, I bet you're sorry you took me to the vet for that little operation."

          Comment


          • A nice set of jokes, I should say even COOOL.

            A boy and a girl.
            G: What are you thinking of?
            B: Well, actually, of the same things that You do!
            G: Oh, what stupid thoughts You have...



            Answer me somebody... I'll be here in 2 days the same time I mean 21:00 - 7:00
            Hope to hear from you.
            See you

            Comment


            • hahahaha! you guys have to check this blog out, its sooooooo funny, its all about people saying stupid stuff in class. "Remember that the best Irish writers are Irish..."

              Class Dummy

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              • A rather dim but nice workman was on this building site, and the boss decided to get him out of the way for a while, so he gave him some money and asked him to buy him a sandwich.
                ¨What shall I get?¨
                ¨Just get me a chicken mayo sandwich or a polony sandwich. No, actually, anything else will do¨
                The man comes back with a packet of 10 Peter Stuyvesant

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                • Comment


                  • Very funny Hot Box 91.


                    Just some random information ...
                    I was reading the other day that Mexico now has a greater percentage of obese people than the United States. They send their drugs north and the Americans send their fast food and cola south. Hard to decide which is worse.
                    Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities -- Voltaire

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