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  • #16
    hey! glad to know someone appreciates the comic relief!!

    A man was driving along when a hare suddenly ran into the road. He tried his best to avoid it, but sadly - the bunny was killed. The man was broken up with grief, and got out of his car to see if there was anything he could.
    Just as he was about to burst into tears a blonde pulled over.
    'Oh, don't worry' she said when she spotted the dead hare, 'I can fix that!'
    She ran over to her car, got out a can of something and sprayed it all over the hare. Amazingly, the hare open its eyes, gave the a look and bounced away. After a few steps, it turned and waved. After a few more steps it turned and waved again.
    'Miss, what was that, how did you do that, did the hare wave at us?' the man asked
    'oh, read right here on the can, it say hair spray: restores life to dead hair. adds permanent wave

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    • #17

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      • #18
        MAN & HIS OSTRICH



        A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

        The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

        "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

        A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

        The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

        Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

        This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

        "The usual?" asks the waitress.

        "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.

        A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."

        Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

        "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

        "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

        "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

        "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

        The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

        The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

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        • #19
          A Texan wanted to go ice-fishing. He'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, he made for the body of frozen water.
          After positioning his comfy foot-stool, he started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly ---from the sky--- a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
          Startled, the Texan moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
          The Texan, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up his stool, and tried again to cut his hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
          He stopped, looked skyward, and said, " Is that you LORD?" The voice replied, "No, I'm the Ice-Arena Manager!"

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          • #20
            who remember the SABC test patterns?

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            • #21
              Spelling, PC style

              A blond suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.
              The blonde is angry and hurt, she opens her purse to take out the gun, but as she does so she is over-come with grief. Instead of shooting the boyfriend, she points the gun to her head.
              The boyfriend yells "No honey, don't do it!!"
              The blonde replies " shut up or you're next!"

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              • #22
                feminist jokes

                Q: how many honest, intelligent, caring ment in the world does it take to do the dishes?
                A: both of them

                Q: how can you keep a man from attacking you?
                A: throw him the remote control

                Q: what's the difference between a mand and a chimp?
                A: One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching its bum, the other is a chimpanzee

                Q: why does is take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
                A: they never stop to ask directions

                Q: What is the perfect man?
                A: A gingerbread man - he's quite, he's sweet, and if he gives you crap you can bite his head off!

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                • #23
                  this is for the girls!

                  A WOMAN'S (REAL) PRAYER:

                  Now I lay me
                  Down to sleep.
                  I pray the Lord
                  My shape to keep.
                  Please no wrinkles
                  Please no bags
                  And please lift my butt
                  Before it sags.
                  Please no age spots
                  Please no gray
                  And as for my belly,
                  Please take it away.
                  Please keep me healthy
                  Please keep me young,
                  And thank you Dear Lord
                  For all that you've done.


                  Five tips for a woman....

                  1. It is important that a man helps you around the
                  house and has a job.

                  2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

                  3. It is important to find a man you can count on and
                  doesn't lie to you.

                  4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils
                  you.

                  5. It is important that these four men don't know each
                  other.


                  Foot Note:
                  One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: "If we
                  don't get some support soon, People will think we're
                  nuts


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                  • #24
                    Hulala..........a u girl

                    Hey Liza,

                    I think your post is getting the thread more conjested,.....well you a good gir some jaw cracking jokes.

                    Liza,see ya soon,am out here with my babe,........to chill around,hope to be back soon with more contribution on this thread.
                    You are nice.
                    Cheer!!!
                    OLA.

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                    • #25
                      Hier is 'n kortetjie:

                      Twee vriende spreek af om by 'n rivier te gaan visvang. Die een kom vroeg-vroeg die oggend eerste daar en die ander een daag so 5 minute later op en skreeu al van ver af:
                      " Het jy al ingegooi? "
                      " Nee, antwoord hy, ek soek nog die glase "

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                      • #26
                        goeie een doccy!

                        Lol
                        pos asb. nog!

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                        • #27
                          looking forward to your jokes preciousola! welcome to the site!

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                          • #28
                            Just wanted to share a little discussion between me and my husband. I only have two "where" questions I usually ask my husband which are"Where are you going and Where have you been". He on the other hand couldn't find himself, unless I show him, asks too many per day. Where are my socks? Where is my pen? Where is my this, where is my that.
                            Well tonight after 7 "where" questions within 10 min. I told him he had maxed out on these questions and I would not be answering any more. The only questions he could ask had to begin with Who, What,Why,How and May. Trying to stun me he replies "Fine, may I have some(you know what) tonight. To which I responded "As long as you don't have to ask WHERE its located.

                            Hope no one is offended.

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                            • #29
                              Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

                              Several members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

                              She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

                              She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

                              George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away.

                              He didn't explain, defend, or deny, he said nothing.

                              Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house and left it there all night.

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                              • #30
                                Ahh,Liza,Liza

                                You bring me up with your fun stories when i'm feeling down.Who taught you to tell them?What a bright world tnis would be if there were more people like you.I like you, you're my girl

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