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  • #31
    so glad I can brighten up your day!

    ..."Friends, Romans, countrymen........











































    wait for it Van Goch, wait for it...

    Comment


    • #32
      one for all our new Dutch friends

      (it's pretty funny if you can understand afrikaans too!)

      HOE GEEFT IK MIJN KAT EEN PILLETJE

      Een korte handleiding in 15 stappen

      1.. Pak uw kat op en leg hem in de ronding van uw arm alsof u een baby
      vasthoudt. Zet uw rechter wijsvinger en duim aan beide zijden van het
      snoetje van de kat en oefen voorzichtig wat druk uit terwijl u de pil
      in

      andere hand gereed houdt. Zodra uw kat het bekje opent gooit u de pil
      naar binnen en geeft u de kat de gelegenheid om te slukken.



      2.. Zoek de pil op de vloer en haal de kat achter de bank vandaan. Leg
      de kat opnieuw in de ronding van uw arm en herhaal het proces.



      3.. Haal de kat van de slaapkamer en gooi de inmiddels vies en vochtig
      geworden pil weg.



      4.. Neem een nieuwe pil uit het doosje, pak de kat weer in uw arm
      terwijl u beide voorpoten stevig vasthoudt. Duw de kaken van elkaar en
      duw de pil naar binnen met de rechter wijsvinger. Houdt het bekje
      tenminste tien tellen dicht.



      5.. Vis de pil uit het aquarium en haal de kat van de bovenkant van de
      kast. Roep uw echtgenoot uit de tuin.



      6.. Kniel op de vloer en dwing uw kat tussen uw knie?n, neem de pootjes
      in een ferme greep. Negeer het lage gebrom. Laat uw partner het kopje
      stevig vasthouden en dwing met een houten liniaal de bek open. Gooi de
      pil via de liniaal naar binnen en wrijf de kattenkeel stevig om het
      slukken te stimuleren.



      7.. Haal uw kat van de gordijnrail en neem een nieuwe pil uit het
      doosje. Maak een notitie om een nieuwe liniaal te kopen en de gordijnen
      te laten repareren. Veeg de kapotte beeldjes en vaasjes aan de kant om
      later op te ruimen of eventueel te lijmen.



      8.. Draai uw kat in een grote handdoek en laat uw partner op de kat
      liggen, zodanig dat net de kattenkop zichtbaar is van onder zijn oksel.
      Zuig de pil met een rietje op en forceer de bek open. Blaas de pil door
      het rietje in de kattenkeel.



      9.. Controleer de bijsluiter om zeker te zijn dat deze pillen
      onschadelijk zijn voor mensen en neem een biertje om de smaak weg te
      spoelen. Ontsmet de arm van uw partner en doe er een verband om.
      Verwijder de bloedvlekken uit de vloerbedekking.



      10.. Haal uw kat van de schuur van de buurman. Pak een nieuwe pil en
      neem nog een biertje. Zet uw kat in het keukenkastje zodanig dat het
      kattenkopje net naar buiten steekt. Forceer de bek open en schiet de
      pil

      binnen met een elastiekje.



      11.. Haal de schroevendraaier uit de garage en hang het deurtje van de
      keukenkast weer terug in zijn scharnieren. Zoek de whiskyfles. Neem een
      flinke teug en leg een koud whiskykompres op uw wangen om te
      ontsmetten.

      Controleer of uw tetanus injectie nog geldig is. Gooi uw gerafelde trui
      weg en trek een nieuwe aan.



      12.. Bel de brandweer om de kat uit de boom te halen. Maak uw
      verontschuldiging bij de buurman die, terwijl hij uw kat ontweek door
      zijn eigen schutting reed. Neem de laatste pil uit het doosje.



      13.. Tape de beide voorpoten van het ettertje tezamen helemaal in en
      bind hem stevig aan de poot van de eettafel. Pak uw zware
      werkhandschoenen en trek deze aan. Duw de pil naar binnen en een stuk
      vlees erachteraan. Pak vervolgens een glas water. Houdt de kop van het
      huftertje verticaal en giet het water naar binnen om hem zo te dwingen
      te slukken.



      14.. Neem het laatste beetje whisky, vraag uw partner u naar de eerste
      hulp te rijden. Laat daar uw vingers en onderarm hechten en de
      restanten

      van de pil uit uw rechteroog verwijderen. Bel onderweg naar huis de
      meubelzaak om een nieuwe eettafel te bestellen.



      15.. Bel het dieren asiel of ze een gemuteerde hellekat willen ophalen
      en informeer bij de dierenwinkel of ze hamstertjes hebben.

      Comment


      • #33
        Nog 'n kort enetjie

        Pietie se familie was baie arm. As hy nie 'n seuntjie was nie, het hy niks gehad om mee te speel nie !

        Comment


        • #34
          Hospital orderly


          O'Malley retired from the British Army and got a job as an orderly in Brocton Prison hospital. On his first day he met up with an old school pal from Kilkenny.

          'Mick,' said his classmate, 'I want you to keep a severe eye on the feller in bed number three.'

          'Why's that?' asked O'Malley.

          'Well,' said his chum, 'he's been here a month. Already he's had his tonsils removed, his adenoids removed, and his appendix removed. I'm beginning to suspect he's smuggling himself out bit by bit!'

          Comment


          • #35
            My go Liza, I'm going to send you my doctors bill, my stomach hurts from laughing too much!

            Comment


            • #36
              ha-ha! here's some more

              CALLING IT A DAY

              God: "Whew, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on earth."

              Angel: "Oh yeah? What are you going to do now?"

              God: "I think I'll call it a day."



              PUN WITH MONKS

              Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had.

              After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs.

              She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."

              "I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

              Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

              She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?"

              "Yes, I'm the chip monk."



              GEETING INTO HEAVEN

              After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

              While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

              They saw her and began calling greetings to her. "Hello!" "How are you? We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you!"

              When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

              "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

              "Which word?" the woman asked.
              "Love."

              The woman correctly spelled love, and Saint Peter welcomed her into heaven.

              About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

              While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

              "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

              "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

              "You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

              "Which word?" her husband asked.

              "Czechoslovakia."






              Comment


              • #37
                Wow i looks like funny hayoooooooo!!!! nice joke LIZA. are a funny lady?

                Comment


                • #38
                  Adam & Eve

                  An Englishman, a Frenchman and a World Bank economist are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

                  'Look at their reserve, their calm,' muses the Englishman. 'They must be English!'

                  'Nonsense,' says the Frenchman. 'They are both naked and beautiful. They must be French!'

                  'You are both wrong,' says the World Bank economist. 'They have no clothes and no shelter. They have only an apple to eat and they're being told they're in Paradise.

                  Clearly, they are South Africans!'

                  Comment


                  • #39
                    Hello Liza!
                    Your page had me laughing so hard that I managed only to read the first half! I’ll have a go at the rest of them after lunch. Meanwhile ……….

                    * Piet and Maureen, from Mafeking, were having another row. This time it was serious. Piet started packing his bag. “Where do you think you’re going?” asks Maureen. “I’m off to Australia”, says he. “And what do you think you’re going to do there?” Maureen asks. “I’m going to become a male prostitute where they make 1,000 Rand for their services!”

                    About 10 minutes later Maureen begins packing her bag too. “And just where do you think you’re going?” He asks her. “I’m off to Australia too!” she replies. “And what the hell do you expect to do in Australia?”, Piet asks. “I’ve just got to see how you’re going to survive on 2,000 Rand per month!”


                    * And here, unfortunately, is a true story. No joke:
                    Some years ago I met an American in Europe. He was …. ah …… non-white. During a talk with him he mentioned something about Nelson Mandela being the president of Africa. I said “Don’t you mean the president of South Africa?” He replied “Isn’t it the same thing?”

                    Of course, I had to find out what he meant by that and after asking him a few more questions I came to realize that he thought that “South Africa” merely meant that Africa is geographically in the “South”! He had no idea that South Africa is a country to its’ own. What’s worse is that he actually argued with me on the subject!

                    Hmmmmm. There are a few parallels to be drawn with some of the present “inhabitants” hereabouts.


                    Ps. If you must shorten my name, Liza, I prefer you shorten it at the suffix, not the prefix!

                    Comment


                    • #40
                      Haha! Yes,it's one thing being ignorant, but as soon as you defend your ignorance,based on misconceptions,it turns into stupidity.

                      Also a true story....

                      I stayed in a US town for a few days in 1998 and a young high school girl wanted to know where I come from.I told her 'South Africa',the most Southern area of the African continent.

                      Next day she came back and said she looked all over the map but could not find it.I said: 'did you look waaayyyy down,at the tip?'

                      She she yes.'But the only country I could see was Chili and Brazil......'

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        Originally posted by Woestynryer
                        Yes,it's one thing being ignorant, but as soon as you defend your ignorance, based on misconceptions, it turns into stupidity.
                        So true, so true!

                        Your story on South America reminds me of 2 more true stories:
                        Some years ago there was an earthquake in Ecuador. On the local news (here in Europe) the news reporter made the announcement and behind her was a black silhouette of the continent with a red arrow pointing to where Ecuador ought to be. The problem was that it was a silhouette of Africa with an arrow pointing to approximately where Gambia is!


                        In the early days of “text TV” we used to have “ring-in” quizzes. One day there was a quiz where one of the questions was:

                        Where would one find the city of Johannesburg?
                        A). In South-East Asia
                        B). In North Siberia
                        C). In South America

                        !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
                        I swear it is true!


                        Wait a minute! Wait a minute, I know the answer to this one!!!

                        Comment


                        • #42
                          hey guys!

                          Glad you're getting a kick out of the jokies Knopkierie (note about nameshortening noted )

                          ja, swaer, It astounds me how clueless Americans can be about geography - and actual conversation I had:

                          US: so where you from?
                          me: South-Africa
                          US: oh, which country in South-Africa?
                          me: the country South-Africa

                          month or so later:

                          different US: so where are you from?
                          me: South-Africa
                          US: really! Which country in South-Africa?
                          me: ( can this really be happening twice??) the one on the left!
                          US: aah, so I guess you speak Swahili
                          me: oh, sure - and I guess you speak Cherokee

                          Different US
                          US: where did you say you were from again?
                          me: South-Africa
                          US: and where exactly is that?
                          me: SOOOUUUTTTHHH-AAFFFRRIIICCCAAA, is a self-explanitory name, man!!

                          US: you're from South-Africa, but you're not black!
                          me: naah, I'm just a bit pale today, ate some bad chicken or something

                          I could go on and on, but I wont. Ofcourse all Americans aren't like this. Most of them have a fair idea of where the country is, and have at least hear of Nelson Mandela. I always delight in educating them with tidbits like: Charlize Theron is South-African. JRR Tolkien was born there, so was Dave Matthews ect.

                          add some jokes if you find them!

                          Comment


                          • #43
                            Laugh? or Cry?

                            Originally posted by liza81
                            "...add some jokes if you find them!"
                            I’m afraid it’s no joke, Liza.

                            I was flying from the U.S. to Luxembourg several years ago. Sitting next to me …. oh yes! I hope that he isn’t reading this - but I must tell you what happened.

                            After some minutes into the flight he introduced himself. I’m not going to tell from what state he comes just in case he really is reading this. So here we were “in flight” on our way to Luxembourg and he asks me (very kindly and very polite) “In what country is this Luxembourg?” – I was torn between realizing that Luxembourg is a rather obscure country but still wondering how it was possible for him to purchase the ticket, board the plane, and be under way not yet knowing! I gave him my most benevolent reply.

                            No – no! There’s much more to this story!

                            About 15 minutes later he pulled out a simple map of the whole European continent. You know – about 24 cm square. Each country had a different colour. France was pink, Germany was green, etc. I seem to remember that it had the capital cities as well but my memory is unclear. Anyway, that’s all he had with him. As he laid it out onto one of those fold-down trays at the back of each seat, once again he asked me (very kindly and politely) “Is this the right map of Europe?” I replied in the affirmative but I was thinking that he was extremely ill-prepared for this journey!

                            A few minutes later he asked me to point out the position of Luxembourg on his map, which I did. Luxembourg was blue. He then exclaimed, very proudly, “I’m going to Amsterdam!” I said it was very nice. “Could you please point out where Amsterdam is?” I did. “Oh!” says he. “It’s in Holland?” I was getting a bit tired of him but, as always, he was very polite so I could only feel some benevolent pity. Holland (naturally) was orange, by the way.

                            He scrutinized the map for quite some time, trying to get some measure on the distance between Luxembourg and Amsterdam (in Holland!). The fact that Belgium was blocking his progress must have caused him some severe mental strain. Naturally, he asked - and I gave him my estimate of the distance. “Do you think there is some way to get from one to the other?” he asked. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, I do believe he was really asking “how” rather than “if”. At least I hope so. And that’s pretty much the way it went for the 9-hour flight.

                            But waiting for the city bus at the Luxembourg airport I overheard a group of 5 or 6 American fellows pumping one another up for the journey. “Yeah man!” “Amsterdam!” “We’re gonna’ tear up Amsterdam!” Hmmmmmmm. I went over and asked if their destination was Amsterdam. “You bet! We’re all going to Amsterdam, man!” So I asked them if they had room for one more. “Is he American?” “You bet!” said I (trying to fit in with the mood and not put them off their stride). So off they went all together. And so that was the end of it. But I'm quite certan that the Dutch have some wonderful stories to tell!

                            Ps. I know that your curiosity is peaked out so I’ll put you out of your misery: Belgium was brown.

                            Knopkirie

                            Comment


                            • #44
                              Originally posted by liza81
                              "...SOOOUUUTTTHHH-AAFFFRRIIICCCAAA, is a self-explanitory name, man!!"
                              That may be - but where was South-West Africa, then? Isn't that somewhere north of Namibia?

                              Comment


                              • #45
                                Of course the Dutch have somethimg to say

                                Sorry bout the spelling, its cocktail happy night!

                                When you meet American. one thing you can't avoid is the grand German empire:

                                Yankee: where you from?
                                Cin: Groningen
                                Yankee: Ah, so you are German...
                                Cin: Yeah, Since Adolf won the war...

                                Yank: Holland, is that near Amsterdam?
                                Cin: well kinda but I live in the northeast...
                                Yank: so you are german...ah!

                                Yank: Where you from?
                                Cin: Groningen
                                Yanlk: can you smoke weed there?
                                Cin: yes
                                Yank: is it near Berlin
                                Cin: sure, if you have good shoes its a walkable distance

                                Some more:

                                Yank: are there any fridges in Holland
                                Cin: no we dont eat, just smoke
                                Yank but serieously?
                                Cin: no its so cold, we just put our groceries in the snow.

                                Yank: what spoeciality do you have at Mc donalds
                                Cin: we have the Mc Spacecake.

                                Y: what to you do for a living
                                Cin: Grow tulips and weed
                                Y : cool!

                                Y: what are the rules for driving stoned
                                Cin: when you need to drive you either drink or smoke weed but not both at thew same time
                                Y: why, do you get a fine
                                Cin: No, you wont be able to hold the wheel with no hands.

                                Y: are you South american?
                                Cin: No i'm Dutch
                                Y: Yeah i meant Asian

                                Y: Is it possible to buy condoms in Holland
                                Cin: No but you can collect the free visitors package at the tourists office, it include 12 condoms some wooden shoes and some weed.
                                Y: Why do they give free condoms to americans, do they like us
                                Cin: No we just dont want Americans to impregnate Dutch girls


                                Recently, we went sking and we had this racist dude in our group who thinks all mixed people can do is party, so we all made fun of hium big time, and me and this other mixed guy were fighting over a pillow:

                                Mixed Guy: we dont need a pillow anyway, lets stop fighting.
                                Cin: we just sleep on the floor, and we dont waqnt to tire ourselves with figths.
                                MG: yes, we sleep all day, so we dont have time to make the bed.
                                Cin: and in the evening we party with lots of rum.
                                Other guy: but i also like rum
                                MG: well, you are a bit negrofied, thats why.
                                OG: you know you are smart, I thought you peopel would not read...
                                MG: we do read some novels, usually things like uncle toms cabin, about the good old days
                                Racist guy is completely confused......

                                One for the girls:
                                3 dumb blondes are sitting on a fence, when suddenly the good faiiry comes: I have 3 wishes to hand out so each of you can ghave one.
                                Blonde 1: i want to be more blond.
                                Poof... her hiar is almost white
                                Bonde 2: i want to be more pretty.
                                Poof... she is very beautiful
                                Blonde 3: i want to be more dumb.
                                Poof... She turns into a man

                                One an Egyptian girl told me:
                                Yank: Where in europe is Cairo?
                                EG: its in Africa
                                Y: but you arent black?!?!!

                                If I'm ever in need of a degree i'll study geogrphy in the Us, it can't possibly be hard!
                                Anyway it's always fun with americans, if you can't laugh with then you can laugh at them.

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